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  • Writer's pictureAdun Shrecengost

A Love of our Deserving

The journey beyond the way you were taught to be loved

As a person who has struggled with their worth and feelings of enoughness, especially in terms of relationship, I’ve found myself seeking to discover what exactly has encouraged the cycle of toxic relationships that I've come to know.

I've come to the conclusion that I had always been searching for a love that felt familiar instead of a love that I deeply knew I deserved.

I used to think any love I received was the best that I could get. My low self worth and inability to process my childhood traumas led me to attract partners that resembled the love I received as a child: lacking compassion and communication, trying to fit each other into a box of familiarity, and leaving little room for growth - individually or together.

Choosing to put my worth in the hands of someone else meant that I would never really let myself feel worthy; of them...of myself...of anything, really.

Side note, in case it feels needed: I am grateful for all of those relationships and the purposes of growth for which they served. I am also grateful to be beyond them and able to see the lessons they presented.

A love of my knowing

We were all raised by other people, and during that phase of life we were taught what those people thought it meant to love and be loved. We were taught what they had been taught.

Therefore, much of our knowing of love is simply how we learned to be loved; how we weren’t loved; how our inner child cried out for help, not received. It may be the absence of love, or manipulation and control of it, etc.

Taking control of your life in regards to creating a love of your deserving means to focus on healing the wounds of your inner child. Because until we begin approaching those wounds, we will continue to recreate the cycle of love we were taught to accept.

When you witness a pattern recreating in your relationships and recognize that those patterns no longer serve you, trace them:

  • Why do I keep finding myself in this position?

  • Can I trace it back to a certain time, person, memory?

If there is something that keeps cycling back to you, there are likely lessons that aren’t being learned...and that’s okay! With your awareness ever growing, remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. Acknowledge and move on, young Padawan!

Moving on, ask yourself, “What is love to me? If I love or if I am loved - how does that look, feel, taste, touch, etc?”

"How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you." -Rupi Kaur

A love of my deserving

We are all capable of a love that is written in the stars, but how is that attained? It starts with ourselves, inside. Because how can you honestly ask another to love you if you don't yet know what loving yourself actually looks/feels like? How can you expect a love as great as yourself if you don’t see the greatness in full scope?

If we continue to feel “not enough” then we will always need more, feeling some degree of empty. Try this on for size:

  • List all of the beautiful qualities you have within you; then those that you share with others. If you draw a blank, connect with a dear (honest and compassionate) friend that can help you here.

  • Write the qualities that you want to embody. Let this be done without judgement for where you are in relation.

  • Reflect on how the love you deserve already shows up in your friendships.

Tumultuous relationships of any sort can truly become a thing of the past, and that process begins with utilizing love as the most powerful, healing tool that you have access to. We all have the power to manifest our ideal relationships. Let’s take our lives into our own hands, shall we? And remember...

You are worthy of the love you deeply deserve.

You are constantly surrounded by love, waiting to be tapped into.

You are enough.

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